‘Everything is fine, everything is fine, everything is fine.’ James repeated over and over again trying to reassure himself, as he lay on his king-sized mattress.
It was the crack of dawn, and outside the narrow window, down below, the gamekeeper Hagrid had started to prepare the horseless carriages for the short journey down to the Hogsmeade train station.
Casting a quiet tempus, in order to not wake the other two, James discovered that it was only 4:36am, and let out a groan of frustration. It was way too early for this, he just wanted to sleep till past lunch, but everyone had to be lined up in their houses in the courtyard by eight o’clock sharp.
From then they would all be given timetables for their time of departure and then at their designated time they would make their way towards the Hogwarts grand gates, where they would meet up with Hagrid and then loaded up into a carriage in groups of ten, ready for the thirty-minute trip down to the station.
James silently prayed to lady magic, that Gryffindor would be the last to gather onto the carriage. As then at least then he would have until eleven before he had to be by the gates.
Then after that dreadful trip they would all be sat on the train by lunch, ready to make the seven-hour trip back to London.
Why they all didn’t take the Floo instead was anyone’s guess, it would most certainly be a better option in his opinion.
Sighing James swung his feet over the side of his bed, admitting defeat. The room felt absolutely suffocating and he would never get any sleep at this rate anyway, so there was no point in trying to.
This was becoming a common event now, each morning for the past couple of months, James had been waking up multiple times throughout the night. Barely able to get back to sleep and then always up before dawn, feeling drained and restless.
This may have been because his OWLs were coming up, and the stress was keeping him up late at night, usually passing out from exhaustion on top of his potion’s books.
Or it could have been from the jagged splitting of the marauders, but that mere thought made his heart feel like it was being wrenched out.
Everything was collapsing around him, and nothing he did was helping. The fifth year Gryffindor boys were falling apart at the seams and at this point nothing seemed like it would be able to pull them back together again.
The last few months had been quiet, too quiet, and not in a good way. The sense of loss was all to consuming and James was terrified that, that feeling would never leave.
It had been around four months now since the prank which was not even a week after Moony’s birthday and the whole ideal had so far been nothing short of torturous.
The four marauders had completed split, and James knew that it was his responsibility to get them back, but everyone had gone their separate ways and James hadn’t the foggiest idea on how to fix it, no matter how much he tried.
Ever since that night, (which Pete had glumly dubbed the prank) everything had gone completely haywire. They had all grew quiet, but the unspoken words screamed louder than words ever could.
Wormtail would occasionally partake in a conversation, but always said he had to leave much too soon, while Pads and Remus never ventured within ten metres of him.
As you could see everything was f*cked.
Pete hastily started drifting away, and by the end of the week those short conversations were all but complete eradicated.
Sirius would always dodge him in the halls and speed out of classrooms before James could even begin to utter out a single word.
And then Remus seemed to merge in with the bookshelves of the maze, which was that of the library, or as of recently protected by a wall of pissed off Slytherins.
James had tried to talk to the girls about this, but he couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he would say.
He couldn’t exactly walk up to them like ‘Oh my best friend said to Snivellus where to find my werewolf best friend on the full moon and he nearly died as I wasn’t quick enough to stop him.’
There was no way he could get away with that, after all who would believe that a group of fifth years were animagi who ran around with a werewolf every full moon.
They’d either think he was some barmy Indian hooligan or if they believed him, they would think he was some crazed f*cker who should’ve been chucked in Azkaban long ago.
Either way there was no good outcome, to say the least. So no, that also wasn’t an option either.
Everything was all just crumbling apart, and there was no one left to stop it, he just could not hold it up by himself anymore.
Wormtail had drifted away to hang out with his Hufflepuff herbology friends, who he now spent all his time with, either in student greenhouse 3 or in the Hufflepuff dormitory’s casually smoking a bit of pot or opium.
While Remus, had the pack of Slytherin’s at his command, those of whom James wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to bite of his hand if he ventured to close.
And then Sirius, well no one had seen him, it was like he had just vanished in front of their very eyes.
Only ever being seen in the very far corner of class, sprinting away before James could even get a word out, or when he quickly shut his bed curtains at night, spelling them shut.
But despite this sudden loneliness he tried, to remain happy, to act ok.
Putting on his wide goofy smile, that people seemed to love, but it grew harder and harder to do as each day passed.
No, no. He had to remain strong, had to be happy. He had no right no to, but lately he could not even begin to fathom how to.
If only he was quicker, faster, better. Then all of this could have been avoided. None of this would have ever happened.
It was his fault that Rem was suffering, that they all were. He should have caught up to Snivellus, stopped him.
He should have been quicker, faster better.
You may call him heartless, cruel even, but James didn’t give two f*cks whether or not Snape had injured himself or not.
…Ok if he had died or been maimed, then James would have felt guilty, but if Poppy could fix him up then the git got whatever he deserved.
But it wasn’t Snape who was hurt, he who only got a few shallow cuts, not even from Rem, but from a few jagged rocks and a stick or two all while avoiding the whomping willow.
It was Remus who got hurt. Rem who was paying the price, and it was all his fault.
He should have been quicker, faster better. Quicker, faster better. Quicker, faster, better. Faster, better faster better faster better faster better faster better better better better better!
‘BETTER!’ was the unspoken word which was rushing through his head.
He should have been better, needed to be better, needs to be better. It was all his fault, his fault.
He was the reason they all left; everything would have been fine if he was just better.
They probably would’ve all been sat there on the floor together if he were.
They’d be savouring the last of the precious moments of summer together before they all had to leave, only to see each other again in the autumn.
Peter would be passing around the weed and opium that he seemed to grasp out of clean air, while Sirius would be blasting the record player, playing a mix of Led Zeppelin, Queen, and the new Bowie record ‘station to station’ that Remus got for his birthday from Sirius.
Who had ordered it from Andy, who had sent it to James, to give to Sirius. While Remus would go rushing about throwing up silencing spells left, right and centre, onto the walls in order for them to no get caught.
But here they were instead, still fast asleep, somewhere, or other in the castle, or that’s what he assumed.
Each with individual silencing spells on their beds and spelling their curtains shut, isolating themselves from each other, trying to forget the past and the what could have been.
All doing this, starting at the ceiling dreading their individual returns home, at some point or another.
Sirius being thrown back with his hag of a mother a barely present father and a self-righteous little sister.
Remus being locked back up in his house somewhere in Wales, though no one knew where.
And Peter being sent back to live with his strict pureblood grandparents, just waiting for his parents to finally finish spending 24/7 at the ministry to have time for him.
But James, well James was being coddled up in the west country of England, in potter manor, where he was mostly free to do as he pleased.
So long as his parents knew where he was. He could go flying around their own Quidditch pitch, set up in the back gardens of the manor or popping through the floo, to see his daadee ma, in Godric’s Hollow and make some gulab jamum’s with her.
He had nothing to complain about, his life was perfect, one greatly envied by his friends and all that surrounded him.
But in spite of this it never stopped him from wishing for something more.
He knew this was selfish and ungrateful, he was smart, popular, predicted to make quidditch captain in just a few months, had a great home life and a perfect family.
He had everything someone could ever dream of, yet he was lonely. So, f*cking lonely, and no one would be able to understand.
It was completely pitiful, pathetic, he had so many friends, even if a few of them left practically the whole school would beg him to hang out with them. But would they even like him, stand by him when things got tough, or would they use him? For his school fame, for his family’s riches and influence?
No, he couldn’t think like that, so many people were worse off. Sirius would be shunned by everyone, both light and dark for either being a dark wizard in the making or a traitor.
Remus would be cast out from society as soon as the wrong person got a whiff that he was a werewolf.
And Pete, well he was still trying to get his parents approval even though they supported this Volder-what’s-his-face, views on muggleborns and their disapproval on him being placed in Gryffindor.
So no, he was lucky, fortunate that he had led such a great life, when he knew his friends did not.
Even though they would never talk directly to him about them, he picked up on some of the subtle hints.
How whenever the holidays came around Padfoot would become restless, acting up constantly, having the record player on constantly while it blasted out Led Zeppelin’s Black Dog, quite ironic in James’s opinion, and then his tendency to become a clean freak.
As well as this, all the other three boys suddenly grew quiet and stiff looking whenever they boarded the train home and then acted funny for days after returning to school.
James wasn’t stupid he knew something wasn’t right. But if his assumptions were true then he had no room to complain, nonetheless he could not throw off that knorring feeling in his gut.
It felt like it was eating him from the inside out, each breath getting harder than the last.
He couldn’t do this, everything was falling to pieces that he could no longer pick up. But it was his responsibility to pick this all up, to fix everything, it always was.
It’s what he was there for, what he was made for, but he just couldn’t face it any longer.
Taking a shaky breath, James slowly withdrew the closed bed curtains and stood up straight, glancing cautiously around the medium sized dorm room, towards the other three king sized beds arranged in a square kind of shape.
All the other bed curtains were drawn to a close bar Rem’s, and the faint sound of light snoring could be heard coming from the diagonal opposite side of the room, near the bathroom, where peter slept.
But apart from that there was no other indicator that three Messer’s slept there.
The quiet was not something James was accustomed to, in fact it sent nervous energy through his entire body, and it made his thoughts seem way too loud.
He was used to the loud, the chaos, the baby mandrake plants peter brought in, insisting that he was only looking out for them for the day, and they ended up staying a month.
When Pads broke a few of the pots and their loud deafening screams knocking them out for hours on end, and out of spite the mandrakes would pull themselves out and wail all throughout the night.
Until Minnie became so suspicious about their constant absences that she came into the dorm only to find twenty or so mandrake pots along with four passed out boys.
He was used to the chaos from the aftermath of a prank, mostly when it went wrong and Remus and Pads would end up in a playful fight, throwing dungbombs at each other, and turning their hair all sorts of colours.
So, when you next saw them at breakfast they looked like a right pair of tossers.
He was used to the racket, the explosions, the chaos that came in their wake.
Used to strutting around the castle with his friends, like the whole lot of yobs they knew they were. Acting as is nothing could ever bring them down, even when they had so much to lose.
And now it was all gone, the jokes, the games, the stories. All gone, most likely never to return.
People had noticed though, and in less than half a day after Remus had returned from the hospital wing, the Hogwarts rumour mill had done its job.
By breakfast it was the topic of the entire school, not being helped at all by snape who began parading around spilling bs about all of them.
But mysteriously by potions first period the filthy knowing glares had ceased, in their place a hazy glassy look but still the usual comments spiralled towards them. But all hints to the previous day were non-existent, as if it had never happened.
But it did.
It happened, and it was all his fault.
He should have been better.
Should have been better.
He needed to get out of there, escape. The room was now stuffy beyond belief, and the very air seemed to chock him, each intake of breath being more suffocating than the last.
Quickly startling up in his sudden need to leave, James began to make his way forward. But in doing so he half tripped over his bed post with a loud thump, one that he was sure would wake the others.
Taking a sharp intake of breath at his foolish actions, James waited a few seconds, but no one began to stir.
Letting out a sigh of relief at his luck, James proceeded towards the door with delicate care, in an attempt to not do anything else that could potentially wake the others.
Weaving around the four poster beds, which he very narrowly avoided, along with carefully watching his footing as he evaded loose dungbombs, slimeball splats, biting teacups and Circe knows what.
After finally reaching the door which lead down to the common room, James came to a halt. He could do this, there was no reason why he couldn’t. It was just a door, nothing more nothing less.
Yet it felt like so much more.
like if he left, he would be abandoning everyone and everything he knew, but if he stayed, always being stuck in a loop of false normalcy, choking on his own heart, but having to pretend to be ok.
He stared the door down for what felt like eternity, but despite his endless pondering James simply didn’t know what to choose.
Staring this door down felt like a life changing action.
It didn’t matter that he had given up trying weeks ago, it didn’t matter that he had been sneaking away and hiding secrets. But who would he tell those to anyway, there was no one he could to that with anymore.
This was the game changer, and for the life of him he didn’t know why.
This was like any other night that he now considered to be norm, but he knew it was different, that it would change everything.
He had to leave, he had to do it. He couldn’t stay in this dusty old room of the past. A past that would never be present again.
All good things must come to an end he supposed. He was a realist, not an optimist, like all his ‘friends?’ once thought.
He knew things weren’t always going to be dandy, just look at that happened those four months ago for example, he knew things wouldn’t always be splendid, no matter how much he tried to appear like it was so.
It was his job to appear that way, to be the light that lit them all up.
The sun is always meant for others never itself. It is known as the giver of life the reason for everything we know, but for itself it is nothing, always alone, always for others, never for itself. After all the sun can’t stop shining all wise it will bring everyone down with it.
James let out a small breath of nervousness, he could do this, he could do this. But was he really ready to let everyone else fall behind.
Could he really do this? Even when they had all done the exact same.
What would this even mean, opening up this door. Would things even change, or would they remain the exact same?
Well, there could be no hurt in trying, he was always reckless wasn’t he, a Gryffindor trait was it not.
But if things did change, what would he do then. ‘No that is stupid’ the voice in his head sung out mockingly, ‘how will the door you pass through multiple times everyday change anything.’
Well, that was the question wasn’t it. Would it change anything? And honestly James didn’t even know.
No James was determined to best this door, which seemed to look at him almost mockingly.
“f*ck you.” He quietly muttered out, as he turned the handle, laying his eyes on the daunting steps that lead down to the common room.
“Oh, for goodness' sake, the door isn’t that life changing!” James hissed out annoyedly. It may have been just a figment of his imagination, but it seemed like the stairs disagreed.
Tiptoeing down them James then quickly brisked through the common room, and right outside the portrait door, where he heard the fat lady mutter angrily about being disturbed and how students shouldn’t be up and about this early in the morning.
Ignoring her usual droning on about rules and behaviour, James swiftly obscured himself with the cloak, to prevent the prefects on round from spotting him all the while putting a silencing spell on his shoes and then he started to run.
Running from his problems.
Running from his mistakes.
Running from his failures.
Running, Running, Running.
All to try and outrun his life.
He whipped around corners, nearly crashing right into them, but to him it didn’t matter he just had to get away. To get away from all of this, away from all his failures and expectations. It was becoming too much to bear.
He was supposed to be the ok one. The one who hadn’t a care in the world. He was supposed to be there for everyone else, to hold them all up when they fell. But how was he supposed to do that when he couldn’t even take care of himself.
He needed this feeling to go away, he needed to be ok. No, he was ok, these feelings were just a misinterpretation.
Everyone got down like this every once in a while, but he was just too weak to deal with it like others were. This was normal, he was fine. He may feel down every so often, but he always sprung back up again, like nothing ever happened.
One moment he could be crying on the bathroom stool, about something so small which represented something that seemed so significant, and then the next thing he knew he was talking lightly with the girls in the great hall for dinner.
So that meant he was fine. Right?
If someone had problems, then they would constantly feel like that. They would constantly feel sad or depressed or sh*t like that.
But James was ok, he only felt like that some of the time, the rest was just… just.
Well, he didn’t know. Everything else between just felt like a haze, like he was there but also not. (Walking around like he on all-to-pielit or whatever Rem used to try and explain.) When he knew he had somewhere to go he would just do it, either glumly or without caring.
Time passed strangely now. Days and weeks had started to fly by, and James felt like he was stuck in time.
On quite a few occasions he had to physically restrain himself from writing the month march in his lessons, and often had to go through the months to work out which one he was in.
One of the other things he noticed about this was that if he were asked when exactly something minor happened in the past, he was no longer able to say when it happened, it could have been yesterday, last week or even months ago for all he knew.
Everything just blended together, and it was a pain to try and unscramble it.
The only way James could even begin to attempt to do so was by linking it to a small thing he did in that moment or an event or a consequence, which was then linked to another, then another, till a kind of like a chain formed and it all began to form a picture.
A broader picture which he hoped could lead to around the time he did it. And for the most part it worked, but sometimes it didn’t.
But this must be perfectly normal right, you aren’t supposed to remember everything. So, it must just be another overreaction, but was it real or was it not, because all he was ever told was that he was ok, well anyway.
Everything just felt like… well he didn’t know how to describe it. It wasn’t like he was walking around constantly feeling sad, or happy. He was just there, and that was all there was to it.
The thing was he didn’t know if this was normal or not, it was as if he could only ever remember being this way.
Did everyone walk around feeling like they were just there, not thinking just doing whatever they were supposed to do. Was it normal or was he just making it all up, overreacting.
The thing was that he could still feel, still joke, and laugh with the girls. So, he must be ok.
But then again on one weekend (one of which he could not place) he just lay in bed, for hours on end, just staring at the blank wall. He wasn’t tired when doing this, and he knew he could be doing other things, needed to do other things. But he just lacked all motivation.
When he did this, all James knew was that he felt empty, just blinking, breathing and he may have drifted in and out of consciousness a few times, but it all felt the same so there was no real way of knowing.
He lay there all afternoon, unmoving. For four straight hours (according to the occasional Tempus he muttered out) then he believed he walked down to the great hall to eat, talked to a person or two, but he didn’t believe he was there long.
Then once again he was back at the dorm, in his bed, curtains closed, back to staring at the wall for apparently another hour. Then it seemed like his motivation and ability to think just seeped back into him, like he had just woken back up from a dream and was in a sort of haze which gradually came away.
It felt unexpected, and James was pissed at himself that he wasted half a day which he had, had set up plans for. But then again this had only ever happened once so it couldn’t have been that bad.
He just didn’t know. Not anymore at least. He used to feel different, well he thought he did, and now everything he did just seemed pointless, as if it were just another activity that he was forced to do.
The only constant was flying.
There was something different about that. It was so freeing, as if you haven’t a care in the world, like all his problems all melted away, and he could go without a care in the world.
It was such an addicting feeling, like chasing the high of the wind yet whenever he was apart from it a dreadful longing feeling all but consumed him. Begging him to once again feel that disconnection from the ground.
It was bliss, the adrenaline high rushing through his veins, giving him a weightless feeling in his chest.
It was one of those experiences where you feel untouchable, having everything going by so fast, one where everything felt like it is keeping up with his brain, and that in itself gave him a wonderful feeling of being in control.
But it was nothing more than a distraction. A distraction from his problems and he did it almost constantly.
He would be up at dawn, spending every waking free moment there, even to a point where he started to skive off classes in order to do so. He knew it was unhealthy, but James just couldn’t seem to stop.
Well, that was until he discovered the chamber of secrets.
Rumours about this chamber had been circulating around the school for just over three decades, and everything was very hush, hush about it. But according to James’ mum Effie, a third year Ravenclaw girl died shortly before they all started, and the school was nearly closed down because of it.
An event which would be the very first in wizarding history.
Despite this James decided that this would be his own little secret, and that no one else would ever need to know.
You may question why he could do this, especially after a young girl had died but Seren swore that it was not her fault, and James for some reason was inclined to believe her, though he did have his doubts. But then again, she hasn’t eaten him.
Yet.
James and Seren had begun to form a very close bond, and now that he was going home for the summer, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He didn’t want to leave her there, but he couldn’t exactly take her home with him. What would he even say.
‘Hi Mum, Hi Dad, you know I love you right, so can we keep my new pet basilisk in the basem*nt.’
Yeah, that conversation would not go over well at all. And then even if he could, which would never happen, how was he even supposed to get the damn thing past the teachers and into the train.
It was an impossible scenario. Oh, but how he wished that it was so.
Seren had been the only constant in the last few months. The only thing that stayed with him while everyone else seemed to leave, and now he could not even begin to fathom how he would manage without her.
There was just something about snakes that called out to him, in a way that people never could. They were always quiet careful listeners and always knew the best way to go about things.
When he was younger, James always found the small grass snakes or adders in the fields and hills around the town of Marlborough, situated in the west country.
He always used to listen to them and grin widely at their complaints and schemes, those of which he would later participate in.
On many occasions you could just find him lying down in the grass quietly drawing with a snake wrapped around his arm or shoulders, or he was off playing an elaborate prank on his parents or the surrounding neighbours with a well-placed snake being a key function in his machine of various pranks.
let’s just say as a child he was no angel, more like a devil in disguise, and was often referred to by certain people as Satan incarnate, but at that time he’d haven’t the foggiest idea on what they were on about.
But as he grew his love for snakes never stopped, for James they would always be the first thing to go to when in need of a prank or a little revenge.
As his mum often lightly said “you could be a right pesky little Slytherin mera pyaar.” To which his dad would always respond cheekily, “proprio come tua mamma.” which often resulted in him getting a sneaky slap with the tea towel, while his mum smirked wildly.
James also always had the tendency to open up all of the snake tanks, releasing his ball python, scarlet kingsnake, corn snake, the rosy boa and finally the Kenyan sand boa, but he was sure to keep them separate to their individual rooms in fear of them attacking each other.
After he had done this, he would often go and take his python down the road, where they would hiss and scheme a plan, mostly ending up with Aash*ta in an old lady’s homemade shopping bag, and then the next thing he knew said woman was down the road and he had lots of sweet treats to himself.
Umm James thought depressingly, I guess I was always a marauder after all.
Steadily coming back to reality, James slowed down to a halt, before resting his head against the side of a nearby archway, panting slightly.
Carefully removing his head from the protective layers of the invisibility cloak, in order to get a better flow of air, James quickly came to realise that he had headed straight towards the second floor.
Ah well this was a good excuse to go and see Seren, he thought, a sad smile threatening to graze his lips. At least he would be able to do so one last time before the nearly two months of absence, before they all returned from the holidays.
Throwing the cloak back around his head, James decided to set off again around the corner to visit his friend. All while trying to remember which door led to the bathroom which was home to the young ghost that inhabited it.
After rounding the third corner, James suddenly heard the annoyed wail and screech of myrtle as a young boy came tumbling out the bathroom door. Ah so this was the right place he assessed.
Coming to a stop outside the girl's lavatory James took in a breath, mentally preparing himself for what he knew would come. After a brief moment he finally twisted the handle and pushed opened the door.
Immediately after doing so there was a second's silence before a loud deafening screech sounded out. In an instant James brought his hands over his ears, before it stopped and then a small series of hiccups followed suit.
“Oh, hiya James sorry I thought it was that nasty boy coming back again” She sounded out as he winced, before she floated down from where she sat above the door of the toilet stall with her legs crossed.
James let out a groan as he removed his hands from his ears, before shortly rubbing his temple as a raging headache began to form. “Yeah, hey myrtle, I think you’ve perfected it. But maybe just for me check who comes in first.” He said before looking up at her, still with the deafening ringing in his ears. Then resumed to rub his thumbs against his temple in a circular motion trying to ease his pounding head.
“Oh, sorry James… are you quite, ok? She said rather hastily looking regretfully at him.
“Just give me a sec Warren and I’ll be fine. Just not feeling a hundred percent right now, not just because of this…” James quickly snapped his mouth shut, then trying to cover up his mistake with a fake laugh, which by no means looked to reassure the Ravenclaw.
“Are you quite sure James, you certainly don’t look the best. Do you need a lie down or something to make you feel better?” She expressed, voice full of genuine concern but picking up on his slip up, while also giving him a way out just in case he needed it.
“No…no, I’m fine Myrtle, honestly.” James said, giving out a small smile in an attempt to show her something contrary to her beliefs.”
“Umm if you say so, I can’t force it out of you James, but just know I’m here right.” Warren sighed out, voice sincere.
“t…thanks Myrtle, you know I appreciate it, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know James, just go and see that monstrous snake of yours, I’m sure it’s dying to see you.” Myrtle sassed out rolling her eyes.
“Will do Myr!” James said lightly grinning, before turning away and letting his mask drop. He really did love that ghost, even though everyone else always gave her a bad rep.
She was clearly very loyal when she was still alive and was a very good laugh. Occasionally he would give her a new idea for a prank of sorts, to keep her entertained, as the life of a ghost was easily going to get boring.
in fact, it was his idea for her to go and scream every time someone entered her bathroom, which he kind of regretted now, but they also were sure to clear off, so he guessed that it did work.
Overall, though James thought that it was a brilliant plan, and together they managed to create the second-floor girls bathroom rumour. A thing that greatly benefited both, as it put a stop to the bullies who still went in there to torture the poor ghost, as just demonstrated by the boy in the hall, and James could freely walk in there with no questions, having a quick chat with Warren before heading down into the chamber.
Coming up to the large central sinks, James glanced around just in case anyone other than Myrtle was present, before letting out a low hissing sound, after all how would someone react to the heir to the most noble house of potter speaking the tongue of snakes.
The British wizarding community were under no circ*mstances known for their acceptance, and his along with many other wizarding families had to hide their gifts, inheritances, or curses in order to fit within the ministry’s unreal expectations.
Sometimes James deeply questioned why his daadee ma and daada even moved to wizarding Britain, but apparently back then it was a much different place to what it was today.
It was a place where creatures like Veela and Werewolves were still accepted, not one where the scared art of parseltongue was classified as dark magic.
But after being there for just short of a decade, when his mum was only six, new rules and regulations regarding magical creatures and inheritances that were now considered dark, started coming into force as the war in Europe started coming in, in full force as Grindelwald rose to power.
During that short time after, many people and creatures started to be driven from their homes due to the claims circulating that they were working for Grindelwald. But most suspiciously these all only started coming in when Dumbledore recently became chief warlock.
After this all-magical folk began to be registered, and things such as the Werewolf Registration Act Of 1929 came into place, but the sole purpose of these acts were to track and prevent anyone or thing from leaving the country.
But in doing so, all that had fled to it in an attempt to escape Grindelwald were trapped, prevented from returning home.
One of those families being his father’s, trying to evade Grindelwald’s sudden rise in Italy, where the tension was currently running high.
Then, around that time, things only grew worse and worse. The magical world was in a state of pure panic and chaos, and that is where disaster tended to thrive.
The population of magical creatures was on a rapid decline along with those magical beings who were considered dark, either because of their self-exile or because of the consequences of the Dark Magic/Creature Regulation Act Of 1929 (Well, if James was honest both were from the result of it).
This act authorising the mass genocide and imprisonment of half-breeds, dark creatures and all other magical beings that fit within that slim bracket, including the likes of those descended from the Naga.
It was a time of fear within the British magical community, and also within those places that were still influenced by it, and the once thriving population was nearly cut in half within the following year.
The magic was getting weaker and weaker, and all the rejects of society could feel it, those whose souls were so full of it and therefore could feel it, but it was something most standard magical folk didn’t possess and very few of them actually did.
But James knew Sirius was one of the few standard magicals who could. He could tell because Sirius was one of the only people who could sense the same things that he could, and he knew a girl called Pandora in the year below could to.
When people would go around mocking the few people like Pandora or her brother for talking about creatures like Wrackspurts and Nargles, James had to learn to hold his tongue, as for even sensing mild things like that you could now be interrogated by the ministry for something bigger as soon as you were out of Hogwarts.
These were all things James had been taught when he was young. Things to stop him speaking out about in order to protect himself, as being immigrants like themselves they were one of the first people the ministry would expect for anything out the ordinary.
Let's just say magical Britain wasn’t very magical anymore.
The thing was that even all these years later, the restrictions were still running high. But also, more efficiently it seemed.
If anyone began to show anything more powerful than the average magical then they would be interrogated by those in power. But those of the highest status were often those with the strongest magic (well compared to the diminishing population) and they weren’t so eager to share.
You would think that just shy of half a century later that the rules would have changed, and for the most part they had, but that was only the result of having nearly all magical creatures eradicated. Could one herd of centaurs in a forest really count.
No, it really couldn’t. The population was just growing so weak, and the once mystical things had turned plain old boring.
Everything was empty now, magical forests were on a rapid decline, along with flocks of dragon nesting places and mermaid lagoons. In their place potion ingredient farming, tended to by numerous house elves and a few of those unable to find work placements anywhere else.
The thrill of the magical world was completely gone, overtaken by the ministry and those in charge. Where you could once walk-through ever-changing woods all you would see now was rows of mandrakes and Gilly weed.
Letting out a small breath James glanced down at the once set of sinks only to find a newly formed gaping hole in its place. Hissing out a ‘stairs’ James slowly began to descend the newly constructed spiral staircase down into the very depths of the castle chambers.
It was an insufferable number of stairs, enough to drive even the fittest people into a chock hold of ragged breaths, and along the way he had to take several breathers in order to regain his strength, to continue his torturous journey south.
The air was damp and as cold as carved stone, a biting chill lying still in the air and James had to wrap his cloak tighter around himself in order to attempt to remain warm as he got deeper and deeper into the castles’ abyss.
Cursing Salazar for his cruel methods of torture, James practically sprawled onto the floor when he reached the entrance chamber with little to no regard left for his dignity but was forced to come to a stand, as the cold stone floor’s chills started to merge their way into his bones causing him to shiver violently.
Casting another warming charm on himself, James looked disapprovingly around the small chamber which was still far less spectacular than its original glory.
Under normal circ*mstances he wouldn’t give a toss about the miniature lodging, but after spending nearly two months down in these forbidden depths he had grown a new appreciation for cleanliness.
Despite his newfound cleaning habits, it was certainly not a thing he thought he ought to pursue, for the workload was tiring and by far from a pleasant experience.
After he was finished with fixing up the congregation of secret dungeons James was extremely deterred from re-experiencing it so promptly after, as easily demonstrated when re-entering his dorm room.
Making his way quickly out of the dusty cold room, through the hallway and on towards the alcove leading to the main chamber’s entrance, James let out another low hissing sound. That of which being immediately followed by the loud clicking of locks as a silver metal snake started making its way around the large circular vault like door, before it began to creak open slightly.
Using all his strength, James heaved the door open just enough to get through, while still feeling all to determined to find a spell to help move it for him instead but was yet to find a spell that wouldn’t just deflect off of the metal.
Soon enough a small gap had formed, and James swiftly narrowed his body, slipping through the small crack in the door, emerging into the chamber.
The previous chill that James had just undergone, felt as if it had just dissolved into nothingness, a warming charm no doubt placed down as soon as he stepped through the threshold.
Making his way forward, James stepped over a small stream rushing past him making its way around the rooms’ edge, until he clambered onto the obsidian bridge slightly to the right of him.
Swinging his legs over the detailed obsidian snake engravings of the side of the dainty bridge, James let his feet dangle over the glistening water, feeling as if his feet were about to break through the delicate surface disturbing the perfect imitation of the night blackness, those silver ripples of water twinkling like the nights sky.
Tilting his head to the side, James let his eyes trail up the cold black onyx walls, watching as the amethyst vine like pillars connected to the balconies, splitting off into thinner and thinner vines to make up the detailed railings.
The balconies emerging outwards of the smooth rock however concealing their inners by the fact of them being built into the walls.
Taking a closer looks James inspected the delicate leaves of green, clinging to the amethyst pillars and vines, eventually leading upward towards the cave ceiling where they attached and spread around, ultimately beginning to run downward from where situated, formulating carefully placed vails of twirling green ribbon.
Adverting his eyes, James descended his way of glance back towards the chamber’s base, letting his eyes skim over the intricate intersections of crossing water, until a dark pool of jet and silver came into view.
This pool was directly in the centre of the common room looking chamber, with dainty steps leading down into the black moonlight water of the underground, water filled cave. Connecting to this the mini streams ran along with the bridge water stream, flowing back into the deep waters of the black lake.
The most astounding thing in James’s opinion though was that a couple of hundred feet up, lay a massive clear glass screen. Where you could see the lake, and all its creatures above.
From there in the very centre, directly above the pool, magical plants and vines grew downwards, separated largely from the ivy, by a circular kind of shape where things were incapable of growing.
The central plants acted like a green leaf kind of chandelier, reflecting the slightly distorted glare of the moon, formulating silvery shadows of light to dance around midair. But these small beams of pearly light, caught themselves on the small trickles of water running beneath, creating a mystical glow. This light bouncing off of the towering waterfall that ran into streams, creating the illusion of a river of mercury.
Fleeting a glance back to his dangling feet, James began to sway them lightly over the bridges edge, contemplating on whether to call out to Seren or wait till she found him herself.
However, before he could even form the full thought, Seren began to rise out of the water, looking the pure embodiment of terror, that she was, and rightly so.
Seren, as nice as she had been, was nothing short of a monster. One that not even the gamekeeper Hagrid would look after, and how James had heard all about his obsession with dragons.
To a point where in second year, the four marauders had snuck a baby dragon inside the school gates and had let it live in their dorm room for the majority of the year.
And by Merlin, had that ended in disaster, the entire dorm had caught alight in the middle of the night. That along with part of the common room, all because the baby (not so much a baby by that time) dragon had caught something.
Because of this the whole of Gryffindor house was evacuated while Minnie ran around in a frenzy.
It ended up with everyone being told to sleep in the great hall for all the weeks coming where the dorms had to be fixed, (the result of dragons’ fire being near the equivalent of fiendfyre, so unable to be fixed with any old magic) and the school had to deal with Ministry inquirements.
But by a few days in, their fellow Gryffindors were all sleeping around the castle.
The four marauders had received quite a few scornful looks from a few of their other fellow house mates, but the vast majority of the older student body were in fact very pleased with the complications their shenanigans had caused.
Many people had actually commended the four of them for providing them with the grand excuse to sleep with their significant other, or whatever that meant. A thing the small Gryffindors had yet to understand.
Along with this, people such as the Prewett twins began to hail them in the halls, praising them as their successors, while others gleefully applauded their good deeds that resulted in so many of the teachers being busy, causing quite a few lessons to be cancelled, and tests were delayed.
In celebration of this, students from all around the school had glorified them for their triumphs, giving them anything from honeydukes to smokes, firewhisky, muggle alcohol and even certain muggle drugs, despite their young age.
Regardless of this, Rem had gratefully gathered together all of these gifts, for whatever purposes he intended them to be for.
They later found out that, Remus had kept quite a sum of these items for himself but traded the remainder (around exam season and into the following school year) in return for vows for future favours.
Regardless to what the student body felt though, Minnie did not in fact find any humour in it. No immediately following these events the four of them were marched right into her office for the very first time.
Yes, they may have been little troublemakers in first year, but they did nothing that warranted a response such as that they were receiving now. The most they ever did back then was drop a few dungbombs in the hallway’s every so often.
But when the four of them arrived at the office, he now distinctly remembered Sirius seizing up, and his face immediately becoming clear.
They had all just been informed that floo calls home would have to be made and James had begun to fret, unable to keep still, while Pete was uncontrollably bouncing his knee.
Remus as always whenever these kinds of events occurred sat idly by in the corner, sipping from a cup of tea in his hand, carefully observing the situation the other boys had found themselves in.
Always swiftly avoiding the consequences, much to the others pure disbelief.
Sirius on the other hand, well he never looked so dead to say the least. He looked as if Azkaban’s dementors had been unleashed on him for a dozen or so years.
Regardless of this, the other boys remained clueless, yet Minnie almost immediately noticed that something was wrong.
One minute she was sat, looking down as she skimmed through ministry documents and the next her eyes had snapped up, as if some outside force had alerted her that something was wrong.
She momentarily had a look of pure astonishment on her face just before it twisted into worry, before Minnie instantly pursed her lips, letting a blank pretence fall over her.
Slowly rising from her chair, she knelt down besides Sirius. Very slowly and gently reaching out her hand to rest it carefully on his shoulder. But at this mere physical interaction Sirius violently flinched back and she immediately let go.
Lowering her voice so it lost all strictness it usually held, she repeated his name as she held out her hands in case Sirius needed to squeeze them.
She waited like that for a few moments until he glanced down void of all emotions. And then he cracked. His lips began to quiver while his face crumbled showing nothing but raw emotion, then the next thing they knew was Sirius practically flinging himself into Minnie, sobbing uncontrollably as he held her tight.
In a state of mild bewilderment, Minnie let out a gasp of shock. Well, how could you not then someone full on collapsed into your arms without any indication whatsoever. But then her arms were tight around him, hugging him tight. As if he were her own child.
She was always protective over her students, treating them like they were her own. And they were to an extent. She looked out for these children. Saw them grow up. A thing that most of these children’s parents couldn’t say.
Most of the children who attended Hogwarts were raised by their family's house elves or otherwise treated with a harsh hand. Only the muggleborns seemed to have a decent upbringing. A thing that the vast majority of halfblood and pureblood children couldn’t say.
So, when this tiny second year flung himself towards her, she cradled him in her arms. A thing she knew this poor child had probably never experienced.
During her short years teaching but as well as her time as a student, she had always been terribly observant. She knew that things weren’t always as they seemed, always being able to look past the layers, to see the person within.
This was one of the reasons she hated Albus. Although she would never say it to his face, she did need a job after all. But as well as this, who would look after these kids if she didn’t, the headmaster certainly wouldn’t.
The only other person she could whole heartedly trust was Poppy.
It’s actually one of the first things that had brought them together. Seeing her kindness and observant eye. She cared for these children as much as she did. Oh, and if it wasn’t endearing.
The majority of the time it was like they shared the same brain, always knowing what the other was contemplating. But no that was such a ridiculous way to think, completely illogical.
She needed to stop thinking like that, her thoughts always got sappy when thinking of her future wife. She needed to keep a clear head.
Wait how did she even start thinking about her girlfriend. Ugh she had a way the deep into her ever-waking thought. Despite this Minerva secretly loved it, but by Circe would she ever admit that to Poppy.
Snapping out her brief thoughts, Minerva jumped back to her musing. By Merlin did the Wizarding world need to change their ways, otherwise they would be stuck in this repeating cycle never to escape.
Nonetheless her thoughts were never amended too, regardless to her countless attempts to sway the minds of the ministry. Except all these efforts went in vain.
Being a lesbian halfblood woman she was immediately dismissed by the Wizengamot and was cast away from countless jobs because of this.
After the implementations that this had caused, she like the majority of the Hogwarts staff she resentfully acted sycophant towards Dumbledore in order to gain his favour, finally securing herself a job.
Well at least in doing this she could help the children in some way.
So that is what she did. Completely laying to rest her usual demeanour in lieu of a more caring motherly gesture. In consequence of this Sirius sunk further into her, completely at ease.
Little to the others knowledge that this was the first time an adult had ever held him, yet much to Minerva’s suspicion, though it broke her heart to come to terms with it.
And how guilty James felt for not seeing the truth. At the time he had been completely oblivious to it, too consumed in his own guilt-ridden dread to notice.
Overly obsessing in his own worry about his maan ka disappointed looks to notice anything else.
Looking back on it, James scolded himself, he should have paid attention, noticed something was up, but it would still take what felt like a lifetime to uncover the whole story. Well as much as James could assume off of nothing but small hints and uncertified information.
Dragging himself out of his previous queries, James pulled himself out of his fleeting peep of his feet. Drawing his eyes back up to the head of the basilisk, who was now looming over him, tongue slipping out her mouth as she hissed out a short greeting.
The hairs on the back of James’s neck had instantly shot up, and he still had to cease his natural instincts to bolt for it. Already having to resist taking a sharp inward breath.
“Hello Seren” he finally managed to hiss out, trying to maintain a neutral tone as she lowered her head, so it was curved, hanging just above him.
“What is it, I sense tension in you.” She replied easily, her dusky vertical slit eyes, glistening in the distorted moonlight glow.
“Nothing I’m fine!” James responded quickly, cringing as he did so. Knowing that his awfully covered lie would be swiftly picked up upon.
That was one of the ultimate problems he had, James was a truly awful Liar. Especially when he knew he’d done something wrong and when he was talking to snakes of course.
But where he lacked in his lying skills, he thrived on his ability to distract and evade certain topics.
That completely changing the game.
No one really ever asked if he was ok, and why would they. All they saw were big wide smiles and loud chuckles of laughter. Why would he ever not be ok, he was a pureblood, rich and had a loving family, something that most couldn’t say.
So, there was no room to complain.
It didn’t matter that he heard snide remarks made in the halls, those questioning his blood purity, those insulting his heritage. The people who shouted blood traitor along with racial slurs.
The pressure he constantly felt to be better, do better.
He had only just turned sixteen and contrary to people’s beliefs James still looked towards others for approval, but all he was faced with was cruel words pulling him down even lower.
He knew this was wrong, that the people he looked towards were just as sickening as their parents, but he couldn’t help it. They may have barbaric beliefs but at least they were correctly fulfilling their rolls.
They were probably pleasing all their parents, by being perfect pureblood heirs, but was he?
Were his parents proud of him?
No, he was being stupid, others had it worse, one hundred times worse. He had to be there to make sure everyone was ok, to be that perfect son, he had to make his parents proud.
They were nothing but perfect and he needed to be like that too because who would he be if he wasn’t. He just didn’t want to be a burden.
But they never asked these questions, just assuming that he was fine, and if they ever got even close to those topics, he could swiftly redirect the conversation back or onto something completely different, often being able to use something more engaging as a distraction.
And this worked, every single damn time. Sometimes making James selfishly wish that someone would notice. Even so, James knew he shouldn’t think like this, it wasn’t their fault that he didn’t tell anybody. It was no one’s fault but his own.
Nevertheless, Seren’s reply quickly followed as she hissed out a “sure”, practically rolling her eyes if a snake could do so.
Letting out a huff of breath James gave up his fumbling around the topic letting his worry’s spill. He needed to let it all out somehow and after all who listened better than a snake.
:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆₊⋆
sh*t, James thought as he ran back up to his dorm in a daze, casting a tempus on the way.
sh*t
It was ten passed seven when he arrived back at the dorm, and all the beds were newly vacated.
Oh, he had spent way longer down there than he had first intended. The girls were probably already down in the hall by now, as they had agreed to meet at seven.
Sirius and Pete had probably already left for breakfast at some point, while Remus had already been bunking with the Slytherin’s or somewhere around the castle like he had been doing for the past few weeks.
Well, it’s not like any of them were talking to him, or each other for that fact so did it even matter if he knew what was going on with them.
Wait, no that’s selfish, James thought scolding himself. They were his friends, he needed to stop acting like they didn’t matter to him.
They did matter to him.
Wait was he acting like they didn’t?
Ugh, he just felt so confused, James didn’t even know what he was feeling anymore. Everything just felt so muddled, like his brain was hopping around like a peppermint toad.
James didn’t know why everyone had left, well he did but that must have not been the only factor, it must have been something he did. After all he should have been faster.
One of the things he worried about most though was that he was just doing this to seek attention, but then he would never tell anyone, so he guessed that that made no sense.
All the things he thought tended to make no sense, a factor that eventually always drove people away. He was just always too much.
Ever since he was a small child, James always managed to drive people away. It didn’t matter what he did, they just always went away.
He was always told he was too loud or over exited over the smallest of things. James was always too much. Despite this his mum always used to sit him down and hold him close, telling him to not listen to the hateful comments, to just be himself.
His maan always said that James had so much love to give, that he wore his heart on his sleeve, but he needed to be careful because many people abuse that love given, use it for their own gain breaking his own heart in the process.
Nevertheless, he was never told to stop loving with all he had, that sometimes that is the very thing others needed, but he was promptly reminded to always take care of himself first. That it was ok if you couldn’t always help others, that sometimes it was ok to be a little selfish, because you can’t help others if it breaks you to do so.
And James knew this to be the case, but he never was the best at listening.
The thing was James’s heart was just so full of love, more than he knew what to do with. It was his first instinct to help others, knowing that not everyone got the care he had. But sometimes it was enough to break him, and he didn’t know how to stop it.
He felt so guilty if he had to pack up and leave, unable to help. All he wanted was for everyone to be happy, even if he had to sacrifice his own happiness and needs in the process.
The thing was James never let himself cry, he didn’t deserve to, not compared to what the others went through. He had to be the happy one, the one to pick everyone else up when they couldn’t do it themselves, but it did take a toll on him even if he would never show it.
Sometimes James felt like he was carrying the world on his shoulders, on some days the only thing that brought smiles to his friends faces. Yet he felt as if he were put upon a pedestal, unable to be anything but perfection. When he was far from perfect.
It felt like a weight slowly crushing him, just waiting for him to implode.
Occasionally, all James wanted to do was break down, let his sunshine mask crack but if he did that who would take care of his friends. There would be no one else to pick up the pieces, and if he couldn’t do it who would?
Nevertheless, from time-to-time James dreamed of a time where someone would find out, where for once someone would hold him tight, telling him that it would all be alright instead of it being the other way round.
Yet this dream could never become a reality. He needed to hold himself together even if it was tearing him apart.
The thing is everything revolves around the sun, it’s a constant, the reason everything still thrives, yet no one pays attention to it, that is until it’s gone and then everything goes with it, for if the sun sets who will see the dawn.
Letting out a sigh James dropped the cloak into his open trunk, along with the map, sweeping his hair out of his face in the process. He couldn’t think like this, everything was fine, perfectly fine.
All these thoughts were just made up, it was all ok.
If he could act normal, be normal in front of his friends it meant it was all ok.
Right?
No, it was better not to dwell, he thought as he quickly changed into a pair of blue muggle jeans and a white tank top before, he started to head back down towards the hall.
Feeling a chill on the back of his neck, James reached out to push open the great hall’s doors and slip through, when Rigel Black, Sirius’s little sister came right through it, nearly knocking both of them to their feet.
“Watch it potter!” she hissed out, drawing her wand under James’s chin, forcing him to uncomfortably raise his head as the doors shut behind them.
Letting out a small gasp as the point of the wand hit the underside of his neck, James let out a small laugh letting his lips turn up into a slight smirk.
“If you wanted me on my knees, you need only ask.” He replied slyly, leaning forward to whisper it in her ear despite the deeper prodding of the wand in his neck.
“Oh, is that so?” Rigel snarked drawing away, causing James to grin wildly.
But before he had the opportunity to do anything else Rigel immediately hit him with a sharp stinging hex followed by a knockback jinx, causing him to trip over his own legs, falling backwards onto the floor.
A cry of snigg*ring promptly coming from the two Slytherin boys behind her who then shortly high-fived each other, offering one towards the Ravenclaw Rosier twin, who just raised her eyebrows at them before turning back to the red blood spot butterflies which she had just drawn on her arm.
A look of vulnerability passed over James, making him look like a deer in the headlights, as Rigel strode forward resting the medium black heel of her shoe against his cheek before tutting as she tilted his head from side to side.
Feeling his heartbeat rapidly increase, James had to startle a soft moan as the pressure of the shoe rested against his Adam’s apple, cutting off some of his airflow.
Squeezing his eyes shut James began to take raspy breaths, feeling his body let out a shudder.
‘No, no this is not the time to find out you have a choking kink James’ he repeated to himself over and over.
Like what the actual f*ck, just a few moments ago all James was thinking about was not being good enough and now this was happening.
f*cking peppermint toad brain.
But he couldn’t help himself from imagining the weight of the mean Slytherin with the witty tongue and sly words from pressing themselves up against a hidden alcove.
One arm against his neck the other holding a wand to his jaw as mouthy stinging bites would climb up his neck and jaw, leading to his right ear where soft words would be spoken into as small nibbles and sucks would pull around his single gold and amethyst earring in his lobe.
A thing he got as soon as he reached seven months for his Karnavedha Sanskar ritual. But as this was happening, he would be able to feel a knee slowly rising higher and higher against his thigh…
‘No, no that was way too far, way too far James.’ he thought, scolding himself.
Squinting opens his eyes, James looked into those cold icy grey eyes, only just about being able to see the heterochromia green and grey mix in her left eye. But that alone was enough to take his breath away.
This feeling however was returned unrequitedly, clearly shown by the harsh glare that he received.
“Oh, oh f*cking hell potter!” Crouch stuttered out a maniacal laugh, while the Slytherin Rosier just eyed him up and down, his fae ethereal like appearance making his jawline and other dark facial features stand out clearly, obviously judging him.
The Ravenclaw girl averted her eyes from her arm, pinning them against him and something in James told him she knew everything, even things that not even himself knew.
Rigel on the other hand had something indecipherable flicker over her face before she let out a devilish smirk.
“Oh, did you like that potter?” she taunted, eyes moving down to the bulge now evident in his tight jeans.
Letting out a choked stutter, James flushed embarrassingly, before letting out a yelp as soon as Rigel started moving the tip of her shoe in circles over the seams in his trousers then stamped down harshly.
Instantaneously James let out a scream, one in which would be impossible to hear due to silencing charms interwoven into the great hall's doors, before having a temporary body-bind placed on him, in order to stop him from relieving his pain.
To this Crouch began to raw with laughter, stumbling to the side collapsing into Rosier, who did nothing but look at him unimpressed.
Rigel just glared down at him, before she started to lean over until they were faced to face, “well I hope you enjoyed our little parting gift.” She muttered just above his ear making him shiver, before standing back up and straightening her robes.
“Now get the f*ck out of my way Potter, how about you crawl back to my brother, you’re the only br… sibling he wanted anyway.” And with that she left, making sure to stand on his fingers as she went.
:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆₊⋆
It must have been a good twenty minutes until the effects of the body-bind began to wear off, and the first thing James did was let out a gasp of pain.
f*cking hell, it was painful.
What in the name of Merlin’s saggy left ball!
Stumbling to his feet, James keeled into the nearest wall, taking a moment to catch his breath, and let the pain subside. Oh, how relieved he was that no one had come out the hall.
But as if he had jinxed his luck, out came Snivellus and his cronies.
sh*t
In an attempt to right himself, James tried to stand lazily against the alcove, pretending to observe his left hand, fiddling with his golden evil eye ring while inching his other hand closer to his wand. Just in case.
The sound of snigg*ring grew louder, as one of them let out an insensitive remark, and then Snape locked eyes with him.
f*ck
Letting out a low snigg*r, Snape turned towards Mulciber, Avery and Yaxley, indicating towards him, letting the two draw out their wands.
Well, this was by no means going to go over well, James thought glumly. The best he could hope for was to leave this interaction with only cruel words rushing around his head.
The worst, well James didn’t particularly want to find out what four against one looked like.
“Ah potter, where’re your little freak friends at.” Snape began to taunt. “Been a little distant, have they?”
“Last I saw the blood traitor Black was heading into the forest, think he’ll come across an Acromantula on the way?” Mulciber sneered out.
“He’d better” both Snivellus and Yaxley said in unison.
At this the hairs on the back of James’s neck began to prickle up, it was one thing to insult him, he could deal with that but to insult his friends, well he couldn’t let that slide.
He didn’t even know if they were still his friends at this point. Everything was just so complicated between them, and he didn’t even know how he properly felt at this point, but by no means would he let that get in his way.
Composing himself, James furrowed his eyebrows, acting confused as he quipped “An Acromantula, umm didn’t know you knew such big words little Mulc, where’d you hear that, your father in the DRCMC. Didn’t believe anything could get past that thick skull of yours.”
“Shut it potter, like you know anything from where you come from, heard they’re a bit far behind on the other side.” Mulciber snarked out aggressively, twirling his wand in his hand. From behind him the other three boys began to snigg*r.
“Well, what else did you expect, look at who he surrounds himself with.” Snape remarked sneering at him “I doubt Macdonald’s blood is clean yet, all that water in her and what was it all for” He tutted.
“Not sure you can be much worse than her, she’s impure all the way round, it’s a miracle that she can think at all. Avery scoffed out.
A burning rage rose up in him, to a point where James was radiating with anger, he couldn’t think straight, he couldn’t see through the ire in his eyes.
“Oh, look at that potty’s angry, should be locked up in the loony bin, I tell you.” Yaxley jeered.
Snape snorted “Only just come to that conclusion have you, surprised he wasn’t born in one. Even those dim-witted muggles are realising people like him don’t belong here.”
“Don’t like your father then snape?” James spluttered out voice wavering.
To this the other boys gave snape a raised eyebrow expecting a sharp resort. It may have been clear to every pureblood and member of the sacred 28 that snape wasn’t one of them, but his surrounding company and hypocritical remarks often made others brush it over.
“Like you can say much blood traitor, at least I’m on the right side of this brewing storm. I doubt you’ll make it passed twenty-one.
“Real comeback that, want a medal.” James huffed out, trying to conceal his nerves.
At this snape gave out an embarrassed flush, whipping out his wand and began to stalk towards James. “Yeah, right potter, say that again I dare you.”
He let out a huff “yeah like you can make me do anything Snivellus.”
“Coward” he hissed back.
“Death Eater” but at this snape let out an unruly sickening grin, rotating his wand in his left hand, as he looked down at his forearm.
“Not yet” he replied intently, lifting his gaze until it met James’s eyes. “Sectums…”
The halls doors ruptured open as a crowd of second and third years burst out in a flurry of laughter and small talk, racing forward to get to the stairs.
Letting out a groan of annoyance snape threw down his wand, while the three other Slytherins let out growls of disappointment, much to James’s confusion.
“Until next time, when we are forced to be in the presents of your company.” Snape grimaced, turning on his heel and fled, back towards the dungeons. Shortly followed by his cronies, once Mulciber forcefully shoved James into the wall on his way out.
What in both merlin and morgana’s name was that he thought scowling as he picked himself up, rubbing his shoulder which was now severely bruised. Well, his entire back was probably like that, but that was laters problem.
Removing his hand from his aching back, James swung it back to his side but stopped halfway. Catching a glimpse of something.
Twisting his hand towards him James was met with the sight of a large crack in the eye of his ring, the evil eye split clean down the middle, with little cracks coming of off it.
“What the actual hell!” James muttered, removing it from his left index finger, rotating the ring in the light. Trying desperately to think what snape had begun to cast, but he came up dry.
It certainly wasn’t a spell he was familiar with.
Giving out a small shudder at the thought James pocketed it in his jeans and began to make his way into the hall. Causing a few heads to turn his way as he rushed towards the Gryffindor but then they quickly turned back to their breakfast.
Heading towards were the girls sat, James plonked himself down besides Mary, and started eyeing down the porridge Mary placed before him, like it had just insulted his mother.
“What’s got you in such a strop?” Marlene groaned out sleepily, tilting down her large sunglasses to raise an eyebrow at him, as her elbows rested on top of the table.
“Nothing, just Snivellus and his lot being a load of pricks.” James huffed out before sending a guilty look towards Mary.
“Hey, stop it.” Mary empathetically nudging James’s shoulder. “I know what you’re thinking right now but give it a rest. They are all a bunch of pricks and Mulciber can go f*ck himself, but I can deal with them myself, he’ll get what’s coming for him, and oh how I will make him pay.”
“Bur Mar…”
“No James listen to me! I know you care, but these are my battles to fight. With all the kindness in my heart I say this, but I don’t need your pity, I need to figure this out by myself and I’m not having some man come and save me. I’m strong enough to do this by myself.”
“I know that Mary” James said letting a small smile grace his lips. “I would be scared sh*tless to cross you if I’m being honest, but if you need help you can ask us, not just me but any of us.”
“Bit condescending that.” Mary jokingly huffed out, raising her eyebrows at him. “But really James, I appreciate it.” She said patting his thigh.
“UGHHH!” A groaned sound echoed from the other side of the table startling them both. “Potter if I have to deal with you fawning over Mary like you used to do with Lily I swear I will f*cking kill you” Marlene grumbled out pointing an accusing finger at him.
Huffing out a laugh, James grinned wildly. “but marls my dear, how you wound me so for you are stripping me apart from my one true love, whom of which I cannot live without.
“Ha suck it up potter!” Marlene half shouted then covered her own hears after, immediately regretting her actions as a migraine pounded in her head.
Mary stuck her tongue out at her, grinning brightly as Marlene glared at her through her hands covering her face.
“Had a fun night did you McKinnon? Those drinks a bit heavy for you?” James joked, now pushing around the porridge in his bowl.”
“Oi shut it potter, you were there too, Mr hangover free since 73.” She hissed out, swatting her hand but nearly face planting er eggs instead.
“Oh Marls, have got yourself in a pickle there haven’t you.” Mary chimed in, grinning ear from ear.
“This is blatant bullying, circe save me. I wish lily was here, she’d stab you both with a fork for me.”
“Marls what’ve I ever done to you.” Mary agonised pressing a hand against her heart.”
“Nothing my love for you can do nothing wrong.” Marlene responded blowing a kiss towards her to which Mary pretended to swoon.
“Where’s my kiss McKinnon!” James feigned dramatically.
“Up yours potter!”
“Oi”
“Merlin help me, you two are truly insufferable, it’s like watching siblings' squabble.” Mary huffed out, burying her head into her arms.
“Oh, don’t be like that mar, you love us anyway.” He laughed lightly, although some of the light in his eyes had clearly faded. Yet in spite of this he kept his tone light, ready to switch the subject at a moment’s notice.
Marlene’s eyes widened forthwith with recognition, a grimace barely hidden passing over her face.
“Wait where’s lils? Did she not come down with you guys?” James asked, dancing around that painful subject to come to another.
Ah perfect, with little to no hassle Mary went off explaining the shenanigans from when they had parted ways the previous night only at the beginning sparing him a questionable glance.
Marlene on the other hand kept on sending worrying glances towards him constantly throughout Mary’s ranting, making him feel hot all over.
No, they couldn’t find out, he couldn’t let anyone find out. Not about this, not about anything.
It was better if no one knew, his feeling on this didn’t matter anyway so what was the point.
Marlene knew at least some of it, after all it was quite well known that the Potters had struggled to have children but no one knew about that.
No one could know about that.
Anything sibling related James has to hold tears back. It wasn’t his place to be sad about that. He was being selfish by doing so.
It was his parents who had the right to be heartbroken, not him.
After all it was their kids.
The thing was Jimuta had always wanted to be a big brother. He craved it.
He dreamed of a time where he could hold someone close, protect them, guide them, play with them. And he finally had the chance.
Everything was going so well, it was the furthest his maan had got in a pregnancy since Jimuta was born and four-year-old him was overjoyed.
Jimuta always knew that his parents had struggled to have other kids. They always went on about how they would all be one big family one day, but it never had happened.
His parents often didn’t tell him that his mum was pregnant, because it always ended up badly but sometimes it was impossible to hide.
That was the first time that it had happened.
His mum was towards the end of the second trimester, a time where the biggest risks were over, and it would be impossible to hide the bump from him, so he had found out.
Even after his parents explained that it wasn’t for certain Jimuta had been simply overjoyed. He insisted that he would help get baby toys despite only being four at the time, and off they went.
He picked out fluffy toys and shouted out to his dad to go buy the green and white charmed fake butterflies and moths that would flutter all around the top of the nursery.
He ran around the nursery as his dad painted it, painting his hands different colours as he was guided to make a big colourful rainbow with handprint animals beneath it, and by the end it was such a beautiful sight.
The whole room looked stunning, the little animals all at the base of the walls and forest trees painted to tower above.
The whole room ending up looking like a jungle full of exotic creatures. With stars painted on top of the ceiling creating a night's sky.
It was during the last few weeks that it happened, that his mum woke up in the middle of the night feeling as if something had gone wrong.
Jimuta remembered being woken up as they rushed to St mungos, him mum in a full-on state, holding her stomach, prodding it trying to get a response.
For the baby had stopped kicking.
It was the first time he had ever seen her like that, she was crying, completely hysterical, clutching onto his dad like that was the only thing still grounding her.
And then they took her in, to let her give birth.
But it was too late,
The baby was already dead,
Strangled by its own umbilical cord.
The events after that had been rough, the entire family stuck in a silence as they took the baby home.
Eventually burying her in the garden, by the big tree.
A shiny smooth gravestone appearing where she should have been.
The fourth in line to the graves of the unborn.
The words ‘Tarika’ engraved onto it, below it read the words ‘for when we are reduced to nothing, we will eventually lead our way back to the stars’
In turn of these events the nursery door was closed, the lights turned off, plunging the room into darkness, the only sound from there being the fluttering of wings as the door was locked, never to be opened again.
All that remained was the door with the pearl lettering spelling out Tarika, followed by three stars.
After that, things slowly returned to normal. Or as normal as it could be when that was the second to go after his own birth.
The thing was because of this Jimuta never got a moment’s peace, not that that was a bad thing, but not necessarily a good one either.
Yet how could you dissuade a grieving mother from being a little overprotective of her only son.
Jimuta always knew his parents wanted more, even if they would never say it, so in turn at a very young age Jimuta knew he could be nothing short of perfection.
He needed to be good enough for his parents, to make up for everything that went wrong in their lives.
He had to be perfect.
Well, that was until Chandra was born.
Jimuta was nearly six by the time she was born, and for the whole pregnancy he knew his parents were so worried.
They were both getting on in years and Effie was near her menopause, a time where pregnancy risks were a lot more common.
Yet his parents had been determined to try one last time before giving up all hope, preforming Punsavan sanskar with a new hope, wishing for this to be the one.
After all, since Tarika they had lost two more, but all those other than Jimuta and her hadn’t made it passed twenty weeks.
Well, that was until his baby sister Chandra.
Leading up to this his parents had been scared to decorate another nursery, in fear that it would end up like the last.
But then there they were, rushing into St Mungos, later to be told that a healthy baby girl had been born. If only just a little small for a baby’s usual size.
And they wept, cried for joy as their little moon was brought over to them in a bundle of blankets. Thanking Brahma for the new life added to their family.
Joy was all over the house, never in short supply when they got home, Jimuta’s dad rushing around to get everything ready.
Outright refusing to let his wife help, telling her that she needed to rest and regain her strength to which she just put her hands on her hips shaking her head.
But he quickly shut her up with a kiss before she was spun into a chair and had a new book from her favourite novelist levitating towards her as his little sister slept in her arms.
“I think I could get used to this.” She said grinning towards Monty hand out expectingly.
To this his dad just let out a huff sending a glass of Aam panna her way, as she smirked sitting back silently watching them.
“Come on” his dad said, after asking Jimuta to come help him set up the cot and baby room.
And there they spent a whole day decorating, grabbing things of owls from the previously made owl orders, for if it did work out, along with rushing to diagon and back.
Then by the end of the week the room was perfect.
Fake ivy hung down slightly from the ceiling and the walls were black, painted on stars and galaxies, then at last the sun and its moon.
The whole room ended as being pure astronomy, with different constellations painted around it too, but the one that stood out was the sagittarius zodiac sign representing her birth the day before the last day of November.
Time passed and all was good in the potter household, the sound of laughter filling the halls as Jimuta grinned at his little sister watching her as she learned to smile.
He watched her the day she had her Karnavedha Sanskar ritual done, and then the few days later when it was healed, and she had a gold earring with an emerald placed in her left ear.
He used to hold her tight as his mum let him help feed her by giving him the bottle telling him how to do it.
He watched as she ate solid foods for the first time ever.
He watched her as she learned to crawl, mostly her either rolling around or getting in a sort of crawl position but just her throwing herself forward instead.
He watched as she took her first steps towards him, mouth open in that cute baby grin.
He watched as his mum or dad would rock her to sleep at night, so glad that he finally wasn’t alone.
It was going to be them against the world, his parents used to say, little Jimuta and Chandra, (James and Ada), the sun and its moon.
At night Jimuta used to sneak into her room, putting his hand through the wooden bars reaching out to grasp her hand, where she would do it back. Swearing that he would always be there for her, as her big brother.
The two of them were inseparable, constantly reaching for one another no matter the time or place.
It was simply instinct.
She was his little moon.
And he was her sun.
This was it, they would finally be the big happy family his parents had always wished for.
As the months passed both children grew, their bond stronger than ever.
You could always see Jimuta leading his little moon through the house, either by carrying her or trying to make or walk, although when she was annoyed, she would just sit down, unwilling to move.
By the time Jimuta was nine he knew that as a big brother that he would do anything for his little moon, anything she needed he vowed to do.
She was the light of his life, the beacon to guide him through the darkness when no one else could. They were one of the same that little sun and his moon.
On one autumn day Jimuta led her to the back of the manor, holding her hand as they walked through the little black gate, through the trees until they got to a beautiful small clearing.
The clearing with the big tree, surrounded by gravestones.
Chandra just turned her small head towards him, pointing at the graves bubbling out “What that?” before burying her head into the crook of his neck.
“I thought that we could go see our brothers and sisters today.” Jimuta whispered, voice breaking as he hugged her tight.
The moon just tilted her head confused, giving him a questionable glance or as much of one as a two-year-old can give.
“Come on.” The sun whispered into the moon’s ear, hiding tears behind his eyes.
And so, they went. Sitting down at the base of the tree as Jimuta told stories for his little moon and all those who couldn’t listen. Letting her run around planting kisses on the stones before collapsing back into her brother.
From the sidelines Monty held Effie to him as silent tears run down her face, for both the lost but also the two living. Watching their own little sun and moon as they snuggled up against the tree eventually falling into exhaustion, fast asleep as if nothing could ever harm them.
More weeks passed by, and Jimuta began to bring Chandra into the fields by their home. Introducing her to his snake friends although she could barely understand them yet.
He would roll over on the grass, down some of the non steep hills, letting his little sister try and chase him afterwards until they were all jumbled up into a pile in the floor.
They would pick daisies and buttercups and Jimuta would make chains for them both, resting it on his sister's head like a crown while she would regift him his.
They would play in the woods, sing to the birds, fall asleep under the stars.
Everything was just perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
It was like any other crisp winter’s day in February, and Jimuta had practically been begging to go out and play in the snow. Pleading to his parents to let him bring Chandra as well.
Eventually giving in, his parents let them leave. Wrapping the ten and five-year-old up in their bobble hats and scarves, along with their thick winter coats.
Telling the both of them to not go to far and just play in certain parts of the garden, until they could all go out sledging later.
Rushing out of the house in a dash, Jimuta face-plated into the thick snow, laughing as he made snow angels.
Chandra, unwilling to be left out chasing after him, jumping onto his chest.
“Agh, Ada! You’re heavy!” He wailed, winded.
Chuckling his parents made their way back inside, smiling at their two children as they played and rolled around the snow.
“You’re no fun!” his sister giggled before sprinting off into the garden.”
“You little cheek!” Jimuta replied grinning as he chased after her, into the trees.
The sound of laughter echoed all around and Jimuta pounced on her bringing them bother down in a heap of joy, as they started to roll around play fighting.
“You can’t fight me.” She stomps, scrunching up her face. “i’m a baby.”
“Oi, I can and you're not a baby. If you were you wouldn’t be fighting me back.” He boated out.
“You’re mean!” She pointed, stamping on his foot.
“Oww, you’re the mean one. Look at my poor foot.” Jimuta complained, only to receive a little shove right on the back of the kneecaps, making him crumble.
“This is bullying, I’m telling maan!”
“Oh, but why would sweet little Ada do anything of the sort. Little moon just tripped over and fell into little sunshine, accidentally making them trip over. Look at poor little moon’s hands, Ada only wants a plaster so she can feel better.” She spoke quietly, pulling an innocent but regretful, clearly lying through her teeth the little sneak.
Yet despite her blatant lying Jimuta couldn’t help falling for her innocent looking eyes, always failing to hold a grudge towards her.
To this his sister just smirked evilly, before dashing off into the snow-covered trees.
Letting out a sigh of defeat but let out a fond smile before he ran after her.
Running around the corner, Jimuta pulled to a sudden stop, almost colliding with his sister who had stoped in place.
co*cking his head at her, Jimuta tried to work out what all her fuss was about, but that was until he looked up, staring in the direction she was looking at.
In front of them stood the most wonderful view, one straight out of a fairytale. The Black cold metal gate lay a crack open, leading into a winter wonderland.
All the trees had a dusting of snow laying on them, narrow icicles dangling from the bony outstretched branches. The bulky tree roots frosted over while the ground was covered in compact snow.
Oh, but there it was. Just through the gaps in the trees. The glisten of frozen water, with a light dusting on top.
Thornhill pond, that was its name. A large pond just through the trees, a clearing around it.
“What are you waiting for?” Jimuta whispered in awe.
“ummm…” Ada mumbled, bouncing on her feet, clearly eager to go but also conflicted.
“Come on little moon I know you want to.” He urged on.
“But maan and paapa said to wait.” Chandra whined sorrowfully.
“Well, they aren’t here right now are they.”
“But they said.”
“Hey little moons, we won’t be long. We’ll even be back long before they realise, we are gone.”
“But…”
“It’ll be an adventure!” Jimuta hyped up, pulling up his glasses where they began to slip of the bridge of his nose.
“o…ok fine.” Chandra sighed out, but immediately brightened when Jimuta leaned over, ready to give her a piggyback ride.
Flinging herself on top of him, she buried her head in the crook of his neck, causing a small heartfelt smile to form on his lips.
Ada had always reminded him of a little hedgehog, like one of those really small ones, one like a long-eared hedgehog.
Not because she had long ears, although they did have a slight point to them, but because of how long-eared hedgehogs are one of the smallest types in the middle east, much like her being an especially small baby.
Along with that she always curled up against people, reminding him of how little hedgehogs would curl up just the same. Well that along with her sharp wit and carefully placed words. She must have had an incredibly strong spine for that.
He always thought she would make a good Slytherin. She definitely inherited that from their maan.
Holding onto her legs, he ran through the wood, breaking out into the clearing to befall before the sight of a perfectly dusted over large pond. Close to the size of a lake.
It was truly stunning, a beautiful sight to behold.
The winters sun shon low in the sky, hanging over the frozen trees, between the distant hills. As the light reflected slightly off of the surface of the ice.
“It’s beautiful Ta!” Ada gasped out, awe evident in her voice.
“Let’s go then.” He hummed out lifting a brow.
At this Ada let out a squeal, leaping forward off of his shoulders, onto the fresh snow.
“Come on Ta!” she screeched out, running to the nearest semi large pile of snow and collapsing down into it.
“You’re an idiot.” Jimuta said shaking his head.
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“AM NOT!”
“ARE T…AGHH, WHAT WAD THAT FOR!” He shouted out, desperately wiping at his face where he had been hit was a face full of snow.
“Ada, that got into my mouth, and hair, and eye. It’s in my eye!”
“To hell with your hair!” She chuckled.
“Oi my hair is my pride and joy thank you very much!” He responded scowling.
And with that he began to get pelleted with snowballs.
“Oi, Oi! This is not fair” Jimuta wailed, covered his face with his arms in a feeble attempt to protect himself.
“Ugh you are blinding me here.” He exasperated, waving around his glasses which kept on slipping of his face before shoving them back on, so they lay crooked.
“Deal with it!”
“I’ll get you back for that!” Jimuta howled out, gathering as much snow as possible and just chucking it. But all it did was rain back down on him as none of it he compacted.
Pulling a face at his moon, he began to gather more snow, rolling it into a ball kind of shape, yet when he tried to lift it, he could barely hold it an inch off the ground.
Spluttering into hysterics, his sister made her way towards his crouched form. Whacking him on the back of his head, causing his hat to fall off, before rustling his dark brown curls.
Screwing up his face, Jimuta stuck his tongue out at her, only to receive a mouth of snow a moment later.
“Ugh you are gross!” He complained loudly.
“Like you’re not?” The five-year-old sassed back.
“Can’t we like just build a snowman instead or something, i’m bored.” He said waving his arms around.
At this Ada’s eyes lit up, and off they went rolling up piles of snow, Ada throwing herself over the already made snowball to make the body.
Jimuta smiling as he made the head as his little moon rushed around trying to find sticks for the arms and small pebbles for the mouth and eyes.
A carrot being dug out of Jimuta’s pocket to make the nose. In the end both children standing before their work, admiring it.
“Ta, do you think we will have to go back now? I want to stay out just a little longer. Please!”
“Hey little moon, I’m sure we can stay out a little longer, what harm could it do.”
At this Ada let out a wail of explicit joy, hugging her brother before she ran off, the shout “You’re the best Ta!” ringing in the air.
Following her Jimuta made his way towards the large pond, watching her as she slid across the iced over surface grinning as she tried not to trip over her own feet.
“Come on Ta! Play with me!” She squalled out, grinning ear to ear.
Unable to resist her, Jimuta made his way forward, sliding gently over the ice as he went.
“Watch me!” She yelled out, sliding from foot to foot until collapsing letting herself skid forward on her knees until she was in the centre of the ice, an ethereal glow lighting up all the features. Before she reached out her hands towards him, beckoning him to come closer.
Bursting out into a grin Jimuta began to make his way forward shouting across “yeah, i’m com…” before he promptly shut his mouth, a look of horror overcoming his features.
He could hear small popping kind of sounds, along side with a squeaky noise. Then the sound of heavy feet on crisp autumn leaves followed by a loud creaking noise.
But then came the cracks.
The sudden cracking sound and the falling of different piles of ice. “ADA RUN!” Jimuta bellowed out, pure panic and distress rising up in him.
A look of recognition then terror passed over her face, as she stood quickly but as soon is she twisted the ice cracked beneath her.
Turning one last time towards him, a look of affliction consumed her whole dragging her down into those pits of torment as the ice broke beneath her
Sending her down
Down
Down,
The splash of water forever embedded into his brain.
He had surged forward before she had even hit the water, but much like his sister the ice dropped under his feet.
Jimuta plummeted down, instantly hit with the freezing cold water, chilling him to his very bone.
There was still surface ice separating the two of them, preventing them from grabbing on to each other.
And then he dived, taking a final gasp of air, his glasses slipping off as he did so.
Unable to see he still pursued forward, grasping at nothing but the empty water.
Coming up to the surface to break breath, Jimuta was hit by what could have been a solid wall. That being the wall of uncracked ice, trapping him just below the surface.
Then and that’s when he realised, he was no longer fighting for just her life but his own as well.
He was so cold, barely able to move, unable to gather the strength to dive down again.
His life was flashing before his eyes, images of his parents, his snakes, his sister, Tarika’s unmoving body, the graveyard, the big tree and finally back to the pond.
And as he lay there helplessly, a million different thoughts came to him.
He saw his parents, hearing the news, your only son drowned today, he thought about what they might say.
Our son Jimuta, no he’s in the garden, he’s very happy there or so we assume.
He’s always been such a good brother, the hours have gone by, and we’ve barely seen them.
Our son Jimuta, you must be mistaken. You mean the boy who can do no wrong, we loved them both so much that they felt like our pride and joys, but eventually they came home cold.
Because that’s our world
Only our world
It’ll be our world
Only our world
we’re on our own.
Using all his remaining force of will, Jimuta pushed himself too the side, sliding across the underside of the ice, until he reached a crack, forcefully breaching through it, filling his lungs with the burning air.
With no time to waste Jimuta immediately dived back in, only faintly seeing the swirl of hair, making up that of his sister.
Reaching forward he reached out to grasp her, his fingers falling just short of where her hair swayed in the water.
Pushing himself back up to the surface to get one last breath, he ignored all parts of his body begging for him to save himself while he still could, instead blocking out all train of thought, to protect himself in more than one way.
Taking a final dive down, Jimuta kept pushing, even when he began to feel queasy and black spots began to fill his vision.
Still, he kept pushing, even when he was on the brink of passing out from the cold, only just wrapping his hand around the top of her coat hood.
Using all his strength to pull them both up, breaking the surface of the water, one hand wrapped around her cold damp body, eyes permanently fixed on her blue lips and blank face.
Uncaring to the fact that he could no longer feel a pulse like he had moments ago.
No, it was all going to be ok, they were going to be ok, he pleaded to himself as he grabbed onto the side of the ice, only just pulling them both partly out.
They were all going to be okay were his final thoughts as he saw two frantic figures in the distance, locking eyes with his maan just before he blacked out. Letting the darkness consume him.
✩☼☾
He woke up in St Mungos a day later.
Once again returning home one sibling short
Cold water shock was the cause
He was too late
She had already breathed in
Lungs filled with water
As she slowly drowned
Choking on her own breath.
“James, James, James.” A small, muffled voice chanted.
“Do you think he’s even listening?” chimed another, slightly clearer than before.
“Well, I don’t know.” A now vaguely familiar voice sassed. “JAMES!”
“MARLS!”
“Ow, my ears! Why did I shout? Why did you shout? I need a drink.”
“To the hell with that Marls, that’s the reason you feel like this now.”
“Oi, I never said I was smart bu…”
“Clearly.” Mary declared letting out a huff.
“Blatant bulling is what this is!”
James’s eyes began to clear, the hazy fog of his mind diminishing rather rapidly as a worried looking Mary and Marlene came into view
“Oh, there you are.” Mary said softly, resting her head on his shoulder.
“James, you alright? If something’s wrong you know you can tell us, right?
James let out a small smile, twisting up his lips slightly. “Of course, guys, I’m fine, I really am.” He murmured, although the words felt forced, as if they weren’t his own.
I’m always fine, always have been. There’s no reason for me not to be. Were the unspoken words jumbled around his head.
“You know, I think I’m going to go back to my dorm. I’m not really that hungry anyways.” He stumbled out in a hurry but at that very moment his stomach deceived him by letting out a small growl.
“Jame…” Both the girls startled out, but he was already gone, rushing out the hall in a flash.
Running
Running
Running
Away from his problems,
Away from his life.
He ran all the way down the corridor, around the corner, eventually falling against a cold wall in a desolate area of the castle.
Giving out a heartbreaking sob James collapsed, back leaning against the icy structure, bringing his knees to his chest as he rocked back and forth, attempting but shortly thereafter failing to ground himself.
Why couldn’t he just be better, do better. He was being pathetic. Here he was now, sprawled out in the middle of a corridor wasting both time and space. All because of a harmless unintentional comment.
He was being pathetic.
He was nothing but a waste of space.
Did his friends even want him?
Did they even like him?
Wasn’t he enough?
No of course he wasn’t, they were all gone weren’t they. It was only a matter of time until the girls went to.
Everyone always left.
He was always too much.
Came off too strong.
That’s the reason his sister was gone.
He should have never let her go. He should have protected her. Why did he ever persuade her to go. He was being to much, coming off to strong.
He was the reason she was dead.
It was his all his fault.
It was always his fault.
He was too much.
But never enough.
Sometimes he wished it was him instead.
Actually, scrap that, he should have died instead. Wished that he had died instead.
She was always the better sibling. The smarter one, the more sensible one, despite her young age. And he was just…
He was just James
There was nothing remarkable about him.
Not at all.
He was just wasting everyone’s time. Being nothing but a burden.
Why else would they all leave?
He should have kept them all together, been the glue that held them tight. But he wasn’t strong enough, he had never been strong enough
If only he could be enough.
But he never was
Sometimes James wished the world would just stop. That he could just freeze time itself, remaining stuck in one moment forever.
It wasn’t the fact that the moment was even a good moment, the situation at current was very sh*tty actually.
No, James just wished time would stop so he didn’t have to fear the future.
He dreaded the future in fact, staying up late just so he didn’t have to face it as quickly, falling asleep would just bring it about quicker.
The thing was James feared death. Well, he thought he did, after all it was a reoccurring event in his family.
In the end it wasn’t a concept he really linked with himself. He was the alive one wasn’t he.
No, they weren’t topics that went hand in hand yet some nights he would lie there thinking about it.
If he were honest, he didn’t really want to die. The very idea off putting, as it very well should be.
Yet it also felt like a neutral subject to him, one that he hadn’t really given enough thought into, mostly trying to avoid it before those ideas were thrown landed in his head.
Despite this some night James lay awake thinking to himself ‘I know I could kill myself if I wanted to’.
He thought to the objects lying around his dorm, thinking ‘if I really wanted to, I could grab those sixty muggle pills’.
All of those given to him at different times by Mary and Lily for quidditch injuries after madam pomfrey had stopped giving him pain potions.
Only a few of which he had ever used. Problem was quite a few of them could be out of date due to the years he had, had them.
Another thing he thought was ‘I could wash those down with the two small bottles of firewhisky I have’.
Then finally ‘before hand I can have that bit of pot, I stole from Pete and have that before everything so I can be happy before I go.’
This list eventually forming on those three occasions he had thought about it, before eventually managing to shift his mind onto something else to scared to dwell on those feelings.
But that was before the last idea came to him, that of which he had to dismiss ‘I could use my wand to slit my wrists deep to make sure the job is done, wait no pads, wormy or even Rem if he is around would be able to smell it and could come before its to late’.
Yeah, thinking about that was definitely not normal, but he was fine, he had no intention to do such things.
He was fine.
If he could go around like normal, smiling in front of people, cracking jokes, that meant that he was perfectly fine.
There was nothing wrong in the slightest, it was just all made up.
The thing was he had only thought this three times before, therefore it didn’t count.
Also, it wasn’t like he had any plans to do anything. It was just an idea set in the back of his mind that he had full intention to ignore.
Pulling himself up, off of the wall James tried to stabilise himself. Intentionally ignoring all of his previous thoughts.
It was best not to think of those.
He didn’t know why he felt that way, but he did. If he ignored it, it didn’t exist.
All he had to do was plaster on that smile, then it all went away.
Fake it to you make it, he guessed, as he moved almost robotically towards the meeting point.
‘It is all ok’, he chanted as he was told Gryffindor would be first to make their way towards the train.
‘You have to be okay’, he repeated to himself as he packed the remaining of his things, bringing them back down to the courtyard ready to get on the carriages.
‘You are always okay’, he thought as he got off the carriages, waiting for the train to come, where he eventually managed to climb on bored.
‘You are fine’, he internally screamed to himself as he accidentally bumped into Sirius, awkwardly agreeing to look for Remus on the train.
Everything is fine, everything is fine, everything is fine.’ James repeated over and over again, trying to reassure himself.
It really wasn’t.
i fall with a smile graced upon my face
the words i’m fine planted on my lips
as i slowly drown
where no one can see
pulling myself up above the water
whenever someone comes by
to keep up my facade
but then they leave
and i sink back under
it’s better if no one knows
but i’m fine aren’t I
I plaster on a smile in front of others
laughing along with them
as a joke is told
therefore I am perfectly fine
aren’t I
nothing at all to worry about
all i’m feeling is just a lie
a plead for attention
which i shall not grant
others are worse off
so why should i share how i feel
when it’s nothing in comparison to them
